If you are not following Wild Man on twitter at then here are some the things you have been missing.
The Very Beginning (This was just two month ago. It is hard to imagine.)
- I am here to announce the launching of outfromthewild.com will be this Monday. It’s a big deal.
- outfromthewild.com will tell my amazing life journey. Here on twitter I will give you my take on current events and forest survival tips.
Forest Tips (A lot of my time on twitter is spent giving you invaluable survival tips)
- Tip #1: If you stumble on a motorcycle rally, your trip was not as desolate as imagined.
- Tip #2: It is confusing to say you need a “Nature Break.” The whole time in the forest is a nature break. Say “Urgent Business.”
- Tip #3: Trust your instincts. Unless you are really stupid or have a propensity to accidentally walk into the other sex’s restroom.
- Tip #4: If you run across an indigenous tribe, and their children are named “yummy” and “protein,” it’s a bad sign.
- Tip #5: Weasels always have an ulterior motive. Even if they tell you they love you and do your dishes for you…Wait a second, was I talking about weasels or women?
- Tip #6: Take candy from strangers! It is very difficult to come by.
- Tip #7: If you meet an indigenous tribe and they say they are having “corn on the Bob” for supper, this is also a bad sign.
- Tip #8: Don’t spit into the wind–unless you just ate something really tasty.
- Tip # 9: If something seems too good to be true it probably isn’t. The forest lowers your expectations.
- Tip #10: If you meet a indigenous tribe and they cheer when your name and “barbecue” are spoke in the same sentence, it’s a bad sign
- Tip #11: Grizzly Bears are kind of like the Hulk Hogan of the wild–if Hulk Hogan ate you and delighted in your death.
- Tip #12: The wilderness equivalent of an amusement park is streaking through a bears din with Worcestershire Sauce all over your body
- Tip #13: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and he will take all your fish.
- Tip #14: Do not bite the hand that feeds you, unless you are really really hungry.
- Tip #15: The best substitute for Starbucks is sitting on the ground and banging rocks against your head—it is not nearly as relaxing
- Tip #16: If you meet an indigenous tribe and they make ” ” marks in the air whenever they say “chicken for dinner”…it’s a bad sign.
Best things about an economic decline in America (I spent some time reflecting on how great it is to live during an economic decline in America)
- #1: scrimping and saving by eating mostly junk food
- #2: anticipating an exciting Presidential election
- #3: Feeling nostalgic when you YouTube John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan speeches.
- #4: Doing your part to stimulate the economy by purchasing a 50” LCD
- #5: Still possessing obscene wealth compared to much of the world
The Autumnal Equinox (I got very excited about the Autumnal Equinox, but then who doesn’t?)
- Are you as excited for the Autumnal Equinox as I am?
- So what are you planning for your Autumnal Equinox Party?
- I’ve been making tiny gingerbread earths that tilt the opposite direction all day. What special treats do you make for the Autumnal Equinox?
- Costume Suggestion 1: Don’t just dress up as globe and tilt your body–that is too spot on.
- Costume Suggestion 2: If you are a couple, go as the Autumnal Equinox and the Vernal Equinox. That might be too cute.
- Costume Suggestion 3: Hipparchus (He discovered the equinox). This is an old standby, but kind of predictable.
- Costume Suggestions 4: Dress your top like fall and your bottom like spring. Wear a belt so people get the equator reference.
Reading an essay on aging (I read an article about who lives to be 100 and mad observations)
- Studies like this make me glad I’m tall: “Those who walked slower than 2 ft per second had an increased risk of dying.”
- Studies like this make me sad I’m a man: In 2010, 85 percent of centenarians in the U.S. were women, and only 15 percent were men.
- Now I’m glad to be a man again: “Men who reach the 100 mark are healthier and more fit, Women survive better but with more disability”
- How the heck do they know this? “A British girl born this year has a 1 in 3 chance of living to 100, a 50 yr old woman only has a 15%”
- Now this actually makes a lot of sense: “If you’re 99 now? You have a 67% chance of being 100.”
- Now they’re just stating the obvious: “Many people who live to 100 have a hyperactive version of an enzyme that rebuilds telomeres.”
Random (And I made a bunch of other random comments)
- The article says “Leadership Doesn’t Rest on Your Title.” I’m skeptical—”Madame Janitor” has never led the free world…
- …I want to make it clear to all Janitors that though my comments say exactly the opposite, I respect you and was taken out of context.
- Every time I use an exclamation point I feel like I have sold a small piece of my soul!
- I am going to spend today “liking” all my friends who change their relationship status to “single.”
- If you retweet this you could win $1 Million! Emphasis on “could.”
- Derek Jeter and Minka Kelley just broke up. Please pray for them as they make the difficult adjustment to single life
- A-Rod and Cameron Diaz just broke up. It must be tough being a Yankee fan right now.
- In a recent inspection 57% of the food at Wrigley Field got an F, I bet people would be mad if they didn’t have a long tradition of winning
- If u don’t retweet this Facebook will charge you a million $ for being a human and if you don’t pay Mark Zuckerberg will punch you in the face
- A black cat just ran across the street in front of me. To prove i am not superstitious i am texting this while driving.
- I think Apple is intentionally losing these “unreleased iPhone prototypes” just to make them seem like a big deal.
- Foie Gras has been outlawed in California. What’s next? Today our fattened goose liver, tomorrow our assault weapons.
- All movies are legally required to say at least once in the special feature interviews, “at the end of the day, it is a great love story”
- An awful lot of my personal identity is wrapped up in always providing witty email responses.
- The line between “Smooth move” and “Creeper” is very fine.
And I leave you with this final inspiration…
- “80% of feelin good is lookin good.” Thank you hair commercial testimonial.
If you are not following me on Twitter what are you waiting for go to https://twitter.com/#!/outfromthewild