I have decided to take this time to answer some fan mail. Since I don’t have any fans actually asking me questions, these are made up questions from made up fans. If you would like me to be able to answer real fans feel free to e-mail your questions or observations at firstname.lastname@example.org
Is Uncle Bill really your Uncle?
—Doug, Crocker, Missouri
Are you kidding me? Do you really think the “Pervmaster General” could possibly be my Uncle? He is Trigger’s actual Uncle (which is hard to believe because Trigger is one of the sweetest guys you’ll ever meet.). The rest of us just call him “Uncle Bill” because he seems to prefer it and it is easier to insinuate a contemptuous tone when saying, “Uncle Bill” than “Bill.” In case it was not clear enough, I do not like Uncle Bill.
I understand how you met Teddy Roosevelt. You have told us how you were fellow soldiers in the Spanish-American War. It is not surprising that you are friends with Devin because he seems like a normal (albeit kind of annoying) guy, but how did you meet Uncle Bill and Trigger?
—Patty, Chickasha, Oklahoma
Actually you are mistaken about me and Teddy Roosevelt. Yes, we did fight in the Rough Riders together, but that is not where we met. On October 27, 1858, Just before I turned two (just as I have aged slowly, I matured really fast. The forest had high demands), I was wandering the forest and I stumbled on his mother, Mittie Bulloch, who was going into labor, and there were no midwives around so I had to help her. To my surprise she gave birth to Teddy Roosevelt! It was awkward, and that is how I learned where “Babies come from.”
How did you meet Uncle Bill and Trigger?
—Chaz, Demopolis, Alabama
Oops, I forgot to answer that in the last question. I was at the library. Everyone is now shocked that I met Uncle Bill and Trigger at a library, but this is true. You will be less shocked when you hear the story. Uncle Bill and Trigger were pulling a prank. They were dressed up as maintenance men, and they said they were there to repair the lights in the employee lounge, but they really slipped libations into the lounges coffee maker. I do not condone this behavior, but I must admit it was pretty funny when the drunk librarians were staggering around the library loudly saying “Shhh!” in everyone’s face.
Why do you dislike Uncle Bill so much? He is one good looking sumbitch.
—Wuncle Will, Wout Wrom the Wild
First: Look at this picture for 5 minutes and then tell me you don’t hate Uncle Bill —>
Second: I know you wrote the question Uncle Bill.
Wild Man! You are a piece of !#$/?%ing! $%54t! I hope you melt you face of in a pool off acid, and your stay awake so you feel the pain as long as possible
—PUKeROCKer, Internet weirdo
Oh the Internet.
Wild Man, I ate a bucket of chicken yesterday, and now I have been having terrible indigestion. I have also been playing a lot of checkers lately. Do you think that has something to do with my indigestion, or would you guess it was the fried chicken?
Were you eating the checkers? I’m confused.
If you had to choose between: Never eating ice cream again, but also locking Wily Man in a federal prison forever.
Or: getting to eat lots of ice cream, but never completely defeating Wily Man, what would you choose?
—Chip, Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin
I would definitely keep eating ice cream. I don’t really want to forever defeat Wily Man because every hero needs his villain. Now if it were between ice cream and Uncle Bill that would be a much tougher call because Uncle Bill isn’t my villain, he is just annoying and gross.
Can you explain how Teddy Roosevelt is so cool?
—Glenn, Damascus, Maryland
He’s Teddy Roosevelt!
What has happened with Ed Sullivan? He played an important role in your early life, but since the very first video about your life in the forest we have never seen him again.
—Chester, Rancho Cucamonga, California
Ed Sullivan will appear once again when I release Out From the Wild Episode 2. Which will be the second installment of the documentary that explains how I came from the forest to my comfortable middle America dwelling today. I do not yet have a release date for the episode, but it will be coming, and there will be a lot more Ed. Ed does not appear in any of the shorts because he is dead.
Have you ever noticed that you and Uncle Bill look kind of alike?
—Bethany, Linden, IN
I am going to pretend you never said that.
Would you ever consider running for President? You seem like a “Man of the people.”
—Republican Establishment, Washington D.C.
No, I don’t have a birth certificate.
Why did you ever leave the forest man? You were at one with the earth and seemed so at peace! If I were you I would have rolled a bunch of doobies and just let the peace blow my mind.
—Chuck, Portland, Oregon
Can you please give me a shout out! I love you so much, and I would completely freak out!
—Really Attractive Girl in love with Wild Man
Remember if there were any questions that you have feel free to e-mail me at email@example.com
Until next time,